Any Suggestions/Advice?

[AnnaG]

Hi Everyone,
I'm relatively new to CC.

I was wondering if someone can explain why the below sentence is awkward or unclear????

"Please proofread for awkward/unclear wording.
Ex: Often seen as just a leisurely stroll, walking can involve so much more."

I thought it was an interesting/succint way of saying that people often perceive walking to be a stroll and not one of the best ways to exercise.

The article/context is about walking for fitness.

I also has a previous article rejected for spelling/typo errors. After looking at it many times, I never did find out what was wrong with it.

I spend a lot of time on the final editing of these articles and am finding it very frustrating. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Thanks in advance for any help.
AnnaG (CC user Formations)

[BarryDavidson]

The example did seem a little awkward to me. Perhaps:

Walking, while often seen as just a leisurely stroll, involves so much more in terms of exercise. (Or something like that in your own words.)

[Debbi]

"Walking is so much more than just a leisurely stroll."

"Much more than just a leisurely stroll, walking is good exericise for both body and mind."

"Although walking is sometimes seen as nothing more than a leisuerly storll, this low-impact exercise is great for your heart."

"Not just a leisurely stroll, walking is a safe and effective way to improve muscle strength, flexibility, and circulation."

These are just off the top of my head.

[4rumid]

Exactly. The problem with your original sentence is that it's vague.

"Often seen as just a leisurely stroll, walking can involve so much more."

what does "so much more" mean? You yourself said it well in your post:

"I thought it was an interesting/succint way of saying that people often perceive walking to be a stroll and not one of the best ways to exercise." So why not say just that? There's nothing wrong with:

"People often perceive walking as simply a stroll and not as one of the best ways to exercise." Or something like the examples above. Being succinct is fine, but be sure not to sacrifice clarity.

[AnnaG]

Thanks everyone!!! I really appreciate your time.
I'm also very impressed with the responses. They've helped heaps.
The statement was in the intro and the rest of the article/later sentences elaborated on this statement.
I already have two rejections (out of only 22 articles) so I am thinking it might be time to move on.

[jadedragon]

2 rejections out of 22 articles is nothing! You are not going to get axed for batting over 90%. Take the rejections as a learning experience and keep going. At that ratio you are a great writer and Ed is a great editor to work with. Push to 100 and see your sales take off. Read the "How to sell more articles" threads.

I like the sentence you wrote above: "People often perceive walking to be (just) a stroll and not one of the best ways to exercise." Use that because it is a very clear introduction.

[Ed]

Hmm. No one picked up on what I felt was the problem, which has its roots in an unparallel comparison.
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/623/01/

Walking . . . a stroll = not parallel. The first is a verb, the second is a noun.

If you are walking, you might be strolling.
If you take a walk, you might take a stroll.

Therefore, the changes I can suggest are along the lines of:

"Walking can be limited to taking a liesurely stroll, but . . ."

"To you, taking a walk might mean enjoying a liesurely stroll through your neighborhood. However, walking can be done for exercise rather than relaxation."

"If you enjoy walking, that might mean that you like strolling through your neighborhood once or twice a week . . . "

Thanks for all of the interesting and varied responses. This thread is a great reminder that a single sentence can be written in an endless number of ways to convey different shades of the same meaning.

Ed

[4rumid]

That's interesting, Ed . . . I actually don't see that as the problem. I think (stress on "think") the gerund, walking, functions as a noun, and the phrase "often seen as just a leisurely stroll" describes "walking." You could similarly say, "Often seen as a danger, skydiving is a great way to have fun." What do you think? (not about skydiving, about the sentence)

[jadedragon]

I understand all the examples of incorrect writing in the reference given but, while the original example could have been clearer, it seems grammatically correct to me. I figured the issue was just a slightly unclear point rather than bad grammar. At best, it seems a borderline example of the problem referenced. I'm just a writer though. My editing experience is limited to my own work, that of my employees, and picking the occasional error out of a book. It is great that you are tight though. We all learn every time we get a rewrite this way.

"Often seen as a danger, skydiving is a great way to have fun." => I would write "Often seen as dangerous, skydiving is a great way of having fun." Note the parallel between "skydiving" and "having". Or just say "Some people see skydiving as dangerous but others see it as great fun."

[Celeste Stewart]

"Some people see skydiving as dangerous but others see it as great fun."

I think that restructuring of the sentence illustrates Ed's parallelism point really well. When you substitute the "stroll/walking" words, the error becomes a little clearer:
"Some people see walking as just a stroll but others see it as great fun."

Now, it's a bit more obvious that "a stroll" should be "strolling" in order to match the structure of "walking."
"Some people see walking as just strolling but others see it as great fun." (I believe it also makes 4rumid's point that "walking" is used as a noun in this sense - as in the sport of walking).

Here's my suggestion:
Often considered a leisurely activity, walking offers much more than simply strolling through the park or ambling down a country road.

(I also added examples to address the vagueness of "so much more" which wasn't really addressed earlier. "So much more" could be fine in context, but might be better with a couple of short examples of leisurely strolls.)

[4rumid]

I would write "Often seen as dangerous, skydiving is a great way of having fun."

Your sentence is definitely better, but I was trying to come up with something grammatically equivalent to "Often seen as just a leisurely stroll, walking can involve so much more."

Note the parallel between "skydiving" and "having".

The parallel is fine, but not necessary. "Skydiving" and "having" serve different functions in the sentence.

I also added examples to address the vagueness of "so much more" which wasn't really addressed earlier.

see my post above



Anna, see what you started?

[Ed]

Bluh! Yes, of course "walking" is the gerund/noun. I humbly stand corrected.

Ed

[jadedragon]

"The parallel is fine, but not necessary. "Skydiving" and "having" serve different functions in the sentence."

Agreed, it is just a style issue using the "ing" ending twice. You could also say "skydiving is a great way to have fun" or "skydiving is actually great fun".

I went up in a skydiving plane one to take some photos of a real estate development I was working on. I can assure you I had zero interest in hopping off that plan through the open door.

[Celeste Stewart]

I used to shoot video out of a helicopter for a documentary I was involved in. I actually had a helicopter standing by to take me out to a barge whenever the scuba divers discovered something newsworthy. It was a short flight from shore to the barge. Didn't like the flight and hated being on the barge going up and down in the waves with no sides on the barge to speak of. I was always happy to get off the helicopter and then always happy to get back on it because the barge was worse.

I'd never jump out of a perfectly good plane but my husband used to skydive.

[AnnaG]

Wow. Thanks for all your help and visual imagery!

Looked up the link and see your point re unparallel comparison – appreciate the explanation. It's hard looking at something a million times and having no clue as to what is wrong.

In regards to the vagueness of “so much more”, following sentences elaborated.

“The health benefits of walking are generally underestimated. Often seen as just a leisurely stroll, walking can involve so much more. If unable to jog for fitness, walking is a perfect exercise to help lose pounds and achieve cardiovascular health. Walking can provide both physical and mental benefits. It should not be underrated for its ability to promote strength in both body and spirit.”

Anyway, apart from the help I received, I now realize that there are many people on CC willing to help and that it seems likes a great community. I hope to be around long term .

Much appreciated,
Anna.